The Eyes Of The Beholder
by Perry-Dice
Summary: The story of Death Note as told by the average woman. Lavender may be in over her head with this crowd. OC
1. Chapter 1

My part in this story was a small one, but pardon me if I believe it was a truly unique one. Some will say that I was merely a pawn in a game played by greater men but I continue to tell my story for the sake of people who find something more in it. Something true.

*

If you are reading this story you most likely could care less about my life before the Kira incident so I shall try to keep my back-story to the bare facts. I was born in a small town in the Midwest with middle class parents and one older sister. By the time I was in high school I had decided to pursue a career in fashion. I was also laboring under the false impression that 'Lav' was a far cooler name than Lavender. I remember dreaming of one day creating my own fashion line of glamorous but affordable clothing for teenagers like myself. However this career failed to take off like I had imagined and the next thing I knew I was working the cash register at JC Penny and living with my parents again. A fashion major doesn't look too impressive on most resumes so I managed to scrape together enough money to go back to college to become a psychologist. Finally after my exhausting second try of college I was attempting to get a job when my parents decided to move to Florida leaving me to go live with my sister until I could steady my income a bit. Unfortunately dearest sis had decided to move to Japan and teach English so I trailed behind in order to continue to sleep in her spare room. All was not lost, however, I may have been bottom of the class in my language lessons but I managed to get a job as a criminal psychologist for the Japanese police. And so begins our story, a culture shocked young woman in a strange new job trying to make ends meet…

*

Pencils skirts are truly horrible inventions. I was sweating in the noon- day sun while perching uncomfortably on a park bench. My rigid shoes were pinching my toes and my wilting pencil skirt was attempting to creep up over my head. I tried for the thousandth time to tug it back down and wrestle the wrinkles out of it. This so far was proving to be a very dissatisfying day. I was still new at work and was struggling to keep up with what was happening due to my inability to understand the majority of what my coworkers said. In fact I was still a bit foggy on exactly why I was sitting here on this park bench.

It had all begun earlier today when I had received a phone call from a man (speaking in Japanese of course) who had asked me to meet him here in regardance to the Kira Investigation. Now of course I knew what Kira was- crazy serial killer guy ring any bells? - But I had the distinct impression that he had said a lot more about his reasons for needing my assistance than I had comprehended. I was currently beginning to worry if my agreeing to meet here was even safe. I had managed to assure myself that this fear was merely paranoia, of course they might need more help on the Kira investigation, the vast majority of the task force had quit out of fear for their lives. Fear for my life was not getting in the way of some extra cash these days, my sisters apartment was becoming an increasing unpleasant place mostly due to the presence of my sister.

I squirmed again on the bench in a vain attempt to get comfortable. An elderly man meandered through the park towards me. It was a hot day and the park was green and hazy with the faint smell of rain in the air.

The old man sat down crisply beside me and addressed me by name. I was momentarily thrown; one does not generally expect a complete stranger to greet you like he's known you for years.

I tentatively replied. He launched off in Japanese and I groaned inwardly. The name L was mentioned on several occasions as was the name Kira. I tried my best to keep up with what he was saying and to sort of bob my head at appropriate moments to show that I was listening. This seemed to satisfy him and after a while he stood up and led me to a car. My childhood training had taught me to never clime into a car with a stranger but nonetheless I climbed into the back when he gestured me to. This day was getting more surreal by the moment.

I mentally rehearsed my pathetic knowledge of Japanese until the car pulled up in front of rather expensive looking hotel. My companion graciously opened the door for me and led me upstairs. My brain continued to attempt to process exactly why we were here. My brain failed.

Finally I found myself standing at the door of one of the suits while the old man knocked. I didn't feel like I was standing on the brink of adventure, or that when this door opened I would enter I new phase of my life, actually I just felt like I was standing in front of someone's hotel room. Then the door opened. Things changed.

The man who opened the door wore rumpled clothes and his soft black hair formed a spiky halo around his head. His eyes were round and dark, alert and bright marred by the dark shadows beneath them. His spine had a delicate curve that hunched him over but he had an odd grace to his movements. I fell in love. Actually I kind of stared a bit too. Then the man told me he was L. I kind of stared a bit more after that.

_A/N: First story, wooooo. So yes, this is Death Note as told by the average OC. This should be a fun adventure. Please tell me what you think, I really like to know._


	2. Chapter 2

The man who introduced himself as L shuffled back into the room and perched himself on one of many chairs arranged around a table. And when I say perched I mean he literally crouched on the chair like some oversized crow. I floated in after him, still a bit dazed. I attempted to introduce myself but sadly failed and ended up stuttering uselessly in English.

"Miss Andrews, would it be easier if we spoke in English?" The angel called L asked. I was hugely relieved.

"Ah, yes, yes it would be. My Japanese is still a bit…" nonexistent was closer to the correct word but I settled on and a less appropriate but more flattering choice " Shaky."

"It is not a problem, I am, myself, from England." L said while my heart did a little spastic dance of victory in my chest. I worried for a moment about the possibility of my passing out but dismissed the notion.

"Pardon me L but I'm slightly confused about why exactly I am here." He didn't even laugh at me but simply gestured to the chair across from him. I sat down gratefully; these shoes were really killing me.

"You are here today, Miss Andrews, because I would like to have your professional opinion as a criminal psychologist on information regarding the Kira case. First however I must determine that you are not, in fact, Kira. Would you open to answering a few questions for me?" His eyes were so dark I could get lost in them and they had a peculiar inquisitive glint in them when he spoke.

"Oh certainly I could answer some questions but I have one myself first. Why me? I'm new, I'm inexperienced and frankly I'm just not the best candidate for this job." The questioned spilled out before I had the chance to stop it. Idiot, who was I to question L's judgment? Hmm, judgment seemed like a poor choice of words considering the content of the case.

"We asked you to do this job Miss Andrews for the reason that you were the only one willing to do it. All of the other members of the Japanese police force declined for fear of their lives. However since you seem to be unaware of exactly what we were asking of you, you can still back out now." L spoke bluntly, no sugar coating for this man.

"Well of course I still want the job! I am honored to work with you, I just wanted to know why." My sentence trailed off lamely after a rather indignant start. Gosh, just looking at him was distracting. My usually eloquent sentences seemed to twist up in my mouth and come out as garbled nonsense.

L however seemed satisfied with my response. "Very good then Miss Andrews, shall we begin?"

His questions began with the bare facts and the dull necessities and I was struck with how boring and simple my life seemed. Why he was nearly the same age as me and look at all of his adventures! Then he asked me a question that threw me.

"Miss Andrews, why do you want to catch Kira, at risk of your own life?"

Shoot, I couldn't just tell him that I was broke and a little extra cash coming my way would make me do anything these days. That was definitely not the answer he wanted.

"I- I want to catch Kira because… because Kira is evil." It came out as more of a question than a statement. I fumbled on, getting a bit desperate. "Look, Kira kills criminals right? He thinks he's the embodiment of justice or something, almost like a god. I think he's a person and no person can have perfect unbiased judgment against another. It's arrogant and foolish to believe that you know everything about a person and therefore it is not the right of one man to condemn another. Justice isn't about murder; it's about the truth. What has Kira done to find the truth? Does Kira truly get to know everything about his victims? No, because he's a person, a bitter and selfish person who can't bring himself to see the good in others. Maybe because he can't see the good in himself." As I had been speaking I had slowly begun to realize that I truly believed what I was saying. The garbage coming out of my mouth slowly began to make sense to me and I felt a firm resolve in my stomach. Then I realized that L was staring at me. I gave a nervous half giggle.

"Very good Miss Andrews." L said thoughtfully "I may have to quote you on some of those lines. It was better put then I would say but you and I are one the same page." My heart leapt. L gave a little smile, mischievous and yet sweet. It was a strange contrast to his somewhat somber features. Not to say that it wasn't totally sexy. "Miss Andrews, welcome to the task force."

_A/N: Oh L, you're so inexplicably alluring. Possible names for this chapter include "in which Lavender fails at language: part 2" or "in which Lavender paraphrases the American declaration of Independence in an attempt to impress her new boss." You can decide which is cooler. Please review, even if you hate it!_


	3. Chapter 3

The next day was my first day at my latest job. I admit, I dressed to impress in my most tailored suit and my highest heels. Unfortunately I caught a glimpse of myself on the mirror on my way out and decided to loose the heels. What's the point of getting all dressed up when you looking like there was an explosion of brown wool on your head and your eyebrows were about half an inch thick? People always attempted to praise me for my "bold features" or my "strong jaw-line" and "full bodied hair" or other nice words that mean ugly.

I took the train and then walked the rest of the distance to L's apartment and by the time I reached the top step I felt truly grateful that I hadn't worn those heels. When I entered the room there was an abundance of people who I assumed must be the rest of the task force. There was an older man with slicked back hair and a serious face who introduced himself as Chief Yagami. I young man about my age with round innocent eyes and a bright smile greeted me as Matsuda. There were also two other men by the names of Aizowa and Ukita who welcomed me a bit distractedly and then went back to their business. Matsuda was the only one who seemed genuinely friendly.

L presence however still left me breathless. He was just so delicious. Speaking of delicious he also had a piece of cake that I was eyeing. Upon seeing me however we got straight to work.

"Miss Andrews, I have need your assistance today with one of our suspects. We have set up surveillance on him but I would like to here some of your opinions to affirm my own thought." Wow, just like that. He didn't even admit to the possibility that his thought could be wrong, just that he wanted reassurance.

"Who is this suspect of yours?" I said, snapping into professional mode.

"Light Yagami, a high school senior, brilliant, top of his class, 2 parents, 1 younger sister." L listed in a detached voice. I raised my eyebrows.

"Any particular reason we suspect him?" I cursed myself mentally; there I was once again questioning the logic of the world's greatest detective.

"We tracked him through information based off of the findings of an FBI agent." L didn't seem intent on going into any more detail so I didn't press. L finished his cake and rose, I followed him into a room filled with TV's and various other electrical equipment and sat next to him on a couch. The man whose named I recalled as Chief Yagami had also followed us in and pulled up a chair next to me.

"Wait" I said having just realized, "are you his father?" I immediately felt like an idiot. Some help I was going to be if I couldn't even deduce that our suspect and investigator shared the same last name. Chief Yagami nodded solemnly and L made no move to show that he had even heard.

"Watari, play our footage." The older man responded to L's command and the screen I watched was filled with the image of a teenaged boy. He looked very young to be a serial killer. He also didn't seem like that interesting a teenage boy, just sat around and studied. That what the kids do here, I reminded myself, they study all day long. Light Yagami studied, ate dinner with his family, talked to his sister, watched the news once and even looked at some very provocative magazines. I had to try very hard to not giggle at that. I am such an immature person.

"Well, what do you think?" L asked me suddenly. I was caught off guard. His eyes also blazed with a fervent intensity that continued to make it very difficult for me to get my thoughts together.

"Err, well, um, I guess he seemed like a pretty normal kid. No actually a totally normal kid." Probably not a good answer but for some reason L looked pleased.

"That's exactly it Miss Andrews, very good. The trouble with Light is that he is simply too normal. He is in fact perfectly normal and for now we shall be working under the assumption that no human is perfect. With an intellect like Lights this could all just be a well-executed act, thought out from every angle that makes him nearly impossible to suspect. There is a distinct possibility judging by his actions that Light Yagami knows we are watching him. Therefore I think you will agree with my plan to meet Light personally to better study his reactions."

I got a bit lost after the first sentence. This guy was amazing. I found myself nodding to his answer while trying not to gape.

I suppose that I was lucky that how while no detail ever escaped his eye he never seemed capable of comprehending my frequent glances at him that lingered far to long. Or perhaps he simply didn't care.

*

The next morning I dressed casually in a sweater and wide legged trousers. I attempted to no avail to plaster my hair down with gel but it insisted on exploding out from my head so I left it. I had a long walk ahead of me to meet L at the college campus he had named so I left early. As I trudged along I fantasized about cabs. How unappreciative I had been in my younger carefree days of taxi riding.

The college I arrived at was a well renowned university for Japan's best and brightest. The campus was well groomed but beautiful. Blossoming cherry trees rained down petal that drifted softly to the ground. The air smelled fresh and clean here and I found that I was enjoying myself. I planted myself inconspicuously on a bench and waited for L.

It didn't take him long, only a few minutes later he came strolling down the path with the teenaged boy I recognized as Light Yagami. Light looked different in person. He had a sort of fawn-like grace to his slender limbs and his reserved face was smooth and delicate. His hair was a deep bronze that shimmered in the bright sunshine. He was quite literally a golden boy.

Not really my type though, I liked 'em dark and mysterious plus this kid looked like a breeze might topple him, L had a sort of firm coordination that I often admired. As they walked I noticed that even though they laughed and talked like old friends when the other wasn't looking each would eye the other one with deep suspicion.

I strolled along behind them, keeping my distance. I watched Light intently, trying to judge his reactions but it seemed like nothing could interrupt his smooth calm manner so I found my eyes often straying away to caress L's familiar profile.

I slunk along until I realized that they were headed for the tennis court and I took an alternative path to it so as to appear less suspicious. I took out a battered old book and sat down on a nearby bench to watch them play. The book was all in Japanese and I could not read a word. I peered over the pages to observe.

They were both surprisingly good at tennis. Light still looked precarious even when he played, his wide movements looked like they would over balance him but instead he would abruptly change direction and continue his constant flowing motion. L's feet seemed firmer on the ground, each move he made looked carefully planned and calculated and he swung his racket with deadly precision. His white skin blazed coldly in the bright sunlight making him look more unreal and dream-like. His blue-black hair contrasted so drastically with his pale face and his faded clothes that he couldn't look washed out.

It was a sight to see. Light made his wild movements, miraculously managing to pull them all together somehow while L continued to send it back at him with a monotonous sureness. I noticed that a small crowd was gathering around the court to watch the game to I casually slipped in among them. Up close you could almost feel the furious intensity with which they played.

The game finally ended when Light, with a frightening determination blazing in his eyes, slammed the ball just a few inches out of L's reach. The expression on his face would haunt me all my life, that cold and perfectly controlled resolve. L gave me a discreet signal that I could leave now and I walked off into the sun, still feeling inexplicably cold.

_A/N: Tennis, everyone's favorite power metaphor. Our first appearance by Light, that wacky kid. Revieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew._


	4. Chapter 4

About a week later I received my paycheck in the mail. The amount on the check left me breathless and in a fit of lavishness I took a taxi to get myself my own apartment. Matsuda helped me move in. He was always so nice, a good and true friend.

He appointed himself my unofficial teacher of Japanese and I was making rapid improvement. I tried to pay him back by improving his English but I'm not sure teaching him all the curse words I knew really counted as language lessons. He kept me up to date on everything that was happening in the Kira case and I continued my own work with a steady income. I made more friends and I learned how to act in day-to-day situations.

But I still felt empty inside. I still cried at night out of sheer longing. I needed L, more than I had ever known. But he persisted in not needing me. Probably not even knowing (or caring) that I needed him as much as I did. In a fit of desperation I even asked Matsuda if L ever mentioned me at work. Matsuda just had to shake his head sadly and then with his usual compassion offered to go out for coffee. He was truly the best friend I had ever had.

I thought I might get over L one day. I thought that over time I would simply forget his beautiful face and be happy again. But every time I closed my eyes, his image was burned into my lids.

It happened early on a Thursday morning. I was preparing myself to work and trying to ease myself awake when the phone rang. The sound was unnaturally loud to my ears this early and I moaned as I answered it. It was probably my sister again; she loved to call people at unnatural hours of the day to chat about ridicules things.

"Hello?" I said and my voice was rough with sleep.

"Miss Andrews, I require your assistance again today. Would you be able to come to Task Force headquarters?" It had to be a dream, I thought. His voice was so familiar, low and soft. Who else would call me Miss Andrews? It had to be him but at the same time it couldn't be real!

"L?" I stuttered into the phone. Why did it have to be a Thursday? Thursdays were my tired days, the day that nothing went my way.

"I can send Watari to drive you. We have a permanent headquarters now and I do not believe it is within walking distance from your apartment." My heart leapt, he had been keeping tabs on me too! Maybe he really had cared more than he dared to show! Maybe he had just been trying to keep me away from the Kira case for my own safety! Woah girl, I thought, slow down now. I calmed my racing thoughts; I couldn't start thinking things like that. Well, not yet at least.

"I'll take a taxi." That was all I said. There would be time for words later.

It felt like a dream, taking a taxi to go see L again with a head full of hopes and questions. Excitement flooded through me as I saw that the address L had given me was that of a huge skyscraper. It looked like an actual headquarters, not a hotel room. Security was also far more complicated and professional but I didn't mind. I practically floated through.

Suddenly it was all there again, the task force, L, that idealistic view of justice. Strangely it felt more real than anything I'd ever done, like the rest of my life was the dream. Those magical days that I had spent with L and his colleagues had sort of defined me in a way I could not explain. It felt like home.

It took all of my self-control not to just launch myself at L immediately and express my adoration. I instead sprung brightly into the room and greeted everyone warmly.

"It's great to be back here." I expressed to L with deepest sincerity. I was about to ask him why he had called me here when I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder.

"Excuse me, I don't believe we've been introduced. I'm Light Yagami, I joined the task force shortly after you were here." When I turned around I was confronted with a face that I recognized but yet I so completely didn't. Light's reserved manner and flawless self-control were gone to be replaced by an open and bright expression with wide, honest eyes. I recovered quickly and replied with all the friendliness I could muster.

"Ah, yes, I'm Lavender Andrews. I'm a criminal psychologist. It's nice to meet you Light!" I was disturbed by my own perkiness. Probably an after effect of my joy at seeing L again. Light just beamed at me.

L gently laid his hand on my arm. I almost shivered at the touch of his long fingers.

"A word please, Miss Andrews, preferably alone." He said quietly, his eyes unreadable. I nodded and followed him into another room.

"Glad to have you on the team Lavender!" Light called to my back as I shut the door. This boy was a strange one.

L was crunching quietly on a bag of cookies while perching in an armchair. I sat down apprehensively on the couch and waited for him to speak. Finally he did.

"Miss Andrews the reason I have called you back is because I am in great need of your opinion of Light Yagami again. Something very strange has happened here but I am utterly stumped on exactly what it is." His face was serious and I grew nervous. If he was stumped what chance did I have?

"I did notice a distinct change in Light." I trailed off fidgeting in my chair.

"Yes." L said, thoughtfully thumbing his lip, "It's like he's a completely different person. I suppose I can't rule out the possibility that this is indeed a different person. I want to know why. Why the sudden change, I can't put my finger on it yet I feel like I know." This was as agitated as I had ever seen him. L's eyes were troubled as he searched his mind for an answer to this complicated problem. "It's like he's not even aware of the change."

"What do you need me for?" I asked and then felt stupid. I needed to stop hanging around with geniuses, it was hurting my self-esteem.

"Evaluate him." L said simply "Use all the tests you know of, for everything you know of. Find me something, anything a little off. That is what I need you for." My stomach turned into a cold hard ball. How idiotic had I been think that the great detective L might actually care about me. He just needed me for a job and that was it. Our interaction ended there.

"Of course, whatever you need. When should I start?" I tried to keep my bitter disappointment from sounding in my voice. I failed.

"Tomorrow, Miss Andrews, I will give you time to prepare. Feel free to join us at headquarters anytime after this, we could always use more help." Warmth flooded through me and joy bubbled through my veins. I hope that my immense pleasure and satisfaction did not show in my face. L gave me a gentle smile and his hand lightly brushed mine as he got up and left the room. The small gesture from him was somehow more intimate than any kiss. My head was floating up somewhere near the ceiling, reeling with shock. I might have sat there in a daze for several days. My heart was pounding for some unknown reason as I nearly danced out of the room, feeling lighter than I had in months.

_A/N: Because touching hands can be more sensual than half of the fanfiction I've read. Review, review, review, review, review, review! _


	5. Chapter 5

For some reason as Matsuda and I walked home together I ended up spilling the entire story to him. I suppose it was only fair, he was practically my only friend here and he was a bit sick of putting up with my unexplained changes in mood. I began to feel sorry for him after a few long minutes of gushing about L but he seemed willing to put up with most of my babbling. He was truly the most wonderful of friends.

When we got back to my apartment it was still pretty early. I did my sad attempt at cooking while Matsuda kept me company and made sure to tell me when something was burning. I still cooked American, one can only stand so much raw fish and pickles, but Matsuda enjoyed the change and ate with me almost regularly.

"So Lavender, it was really great having you back today. You don't know it but it boosts moral to have someone cheerful on the team." Matsuda said as I nearly killed myself trying to tear open a bag of frozen peas.

"You're always cheerful Matsuda, and Light isn't exactly grim." I said through clenched teeth as I shifted my grip on the peas.

"Yes but everyone is usually mad at me so I don't count. As for Light, well, he is a suspect and it displeases him to no end. He gets all fired up like this whole thing is some kind of personal offence." I started to reply but at that moment the bag of peas exploded all over the room and with a moan of defeat I returned to the fridge to look for something else.

"I don't know though Matsuda, I want the job but I don't know if I can do it!" I lamented as I dug out microwavable lasagna.

"L said he needed you, if you don't trust yourself don't you trust him? You obviously don't trust me." Matsuda rolled his eyes as he bent down to scoop frozen peas off the linoleum. I rolled my eyes right back. That cheeky boy had played the L card.

"Well put yourself in my shoes, Lights got an IQ that towers over mine and has probably read half the material on psychology I have."

"Just because you're not as smart as he is doesn't mean that you can't see something he doesn't. You think differently than he does." Matsuda should go into motivational speaking; despite myself I was a bit cheered.

"Well how do you test for insane serial killer?" I was still determined to despair. Matsuda shrugged.

"That's your job." I laughed, feeling alarmingly inflated with confidence. This was a brief and fleeting moment, however, Matsuda suddenly made a spectacular dive across the pea-strewn floor to rescue the lasagna, which had just warmed to a cheery blaze. I was back to feeling like an idiot and salvaging burnt lasagna for my dinner.

Matsuda suffered through my cooking failure with a smile and an appetite, finishing a large portion of disaster. I poked at mine but depressing thoughts about calories and the size of my butt kept circling in my head. Matsuda plowed gallantly on with his campaign of confidence, cracking jokes and relating anecdotes.

"It sort of looks like your face here, burned into the bottom of the pan, it's probably a sign of…" And an idea hit me so hard I nearly fell off my chair.

"Rorschach test!" I exclaimed sending my fork flying.

"Um, pardon?" Matsuda dodged my fork and blinked quizzically. I stood up and paced back and forth.

"I'll give him a Rorschach test, Matsuda, ya know, ink blots that look like pictures. I'll just give him all the little tests I know; maybe I'll figure something out. Then again maybe I won't but with a case this big I have to start somewhere!" I laughed suddenly filled with purpose. Matsuda allowed himself a moment of pride before spending the rest of the evening helping me look up every test I knew.

*

The next day I woke up feeling tired but no less excited. Somehow I was convinced that forcing Light to find pictures in ink would solve the entire case. I took the train downtown (trains were a new wonder to me) and walked into task force headquarters 10 minutes early.

L was the only one in the room when I entered. He didn't seem to notice my awkward hello and nervous shuffle in. I was thumbing his lip in an incredibly appealing way and gazing off into the distance. His eyes had a sort of lost, far-away look that in a beautiful way was almost heart breaking. I sat across the room and watched with wonder the curled figure with the tired eyes. The Light walked into the room and he moment was gone. L was back as the alert, unrelenting detective with a gaze so intense it could burn.

"Good morning Lavender." Light said sitting down next to me, and smiling. I felt an unexpected wave of guilt, how could I really think a kid this nice could be Kira?

"Good morning Light," I yawned "I'm supposed to test you today, ready?" Light gave a slightly rye smile,

"All business, I'm almost missing school. Almost." He gave me his disarmingly innocent grin and my stomach twisted with guilt.

"Hey, I liked college but-" I tried in vein to change the topic back to something work relevant.

"Oh, man I bet you were crazy in college. I wish I had been there." Light narrowed his eyes but his grin remained intact. I was disconcerted yet again by that genuinely friendly, almost goofy look of trust that practically radiated off of him. "All the girls at college I meet have been so dull I can barely talk to them." What was he getting at? I was suddenly confused. "You have more ambition, and moral standards for that matter." He was so smooth, so perfectly casual and relatable. He was sympathetic. But what did he mean? "It will be nice having someone to talk to around here, other than Misa that is."

"Um, I'm not sure talking to a psychologist is exactly what you want, I tend to make judgments." I was saved from further conversation by the arrival of a small blonde missile. She entered the room at record-breaking speed and bounded onto the couch so close to Light it looked like it hurt. Light's face changed instantly, replaced with an expression of exasperation and annoyance.

"Good Morning! Light, I missed you all night." She giggled like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard. She had a cherubic face and bright blonde hair. My fashion major instincts were on high alert, she dressed like a model. The way she was snuggling into Light made me feel a bit out of the loop. L surprised me by explaining, I hadn't been aware that he was listening.

"Misa Amane is suspect of being the second Kira. She has agreed to cooperate with this investigation to help Light." L smiled slightly at me, a crooked little grin that felt secret, like something only we shared. When my head had stopped buzzing with joy, something occurred to me.

"Misa Amane, you're a model right? I think I've heard of you." Misa withdrew a bit from Light.

"That's right, it's nice to meet you miss…"

"Lavender Andrews." I responded and she squealed with joy.

"I'm so glad that they finally let another girl on the team. L's too full of himself to recognize the power of a woman's intuition." She practically shouted the last bit at him and he rolled his eyes. I felt both enraged and jealous. Enraged due to her obvious disrespect and jealous of the ways she could be so casual with him.

"I'm sure L is just trying to pick the best people for the job" I said a bit stiffly. "Light, are you and Misa…?" I trailed off, raising an eyebrow. Misa spoke first.

"Yeah were together, Light's the love of my life I mean come on, he's gorgeous! If he weren't here I wouldn't even help a little. I'm a big Kira supporter but Light comes before even that. It would be almost better if he really was Kira like L says but I love him just the way he is." She talked very fast. Light had opened his mouth but closed again as she continued to babble. He had an almost disgusted look on his face.

I just nodded at Misa. The rest of the task force had begun to shuffle in, looking tired.

"Well, Light I suppose I should give you the slew of test I've prepared." We both stood and L nodded distractedly. Misa bounced up in a flash.

"I'll come to, so I can keep Light company!" I had a moment of wonderful feminine cattiness.

"I'm sorry, these are private sessions, I hope you understand." I simpered sweetly and Misa glared at me. Light looked relieved but Misa just glowered at my retreating back.

Light and I had a room to ourselves, plain and simple a chair and a couch. I sat in the chair and he lay down on the couch. I was so cliché I nearly laughed.

"I won't ask about Misa, I promise. I think I already know that story." I smirked at him.

"But I thought painful memories were what psychology was all about." Light groaned and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Fine then, why on earth do you keep her around?" I rummaged through my bag and began to lie out the tools of my trade.

"She insists on staying, L wanted me to seduce her into getting information but I wouldn't. I'm not going to use someone's feelings for my own gain, but apparently it makes me Kira." He looked bitter.

"Actually, Light, I think it does quite the opposite. Kira uses people, you don't." I smiled kindly as I readied my clipboard.

"Everyone uses each other." Light gave me a funny look when he said that, almost like pity. I was a bit disconcerted so I began my tests. His answers were creative, he saw everything in those blots of ink but other than that his answers were normal.

There was only one small exception but I'm not sure that could really condemn him. The picture was simple, a black square. The answer he gave seemed like just a gut reaction, blurted out without thought.

"Happiness."

"Light, why does a black square represent happiness to you?" I was mystified. He looked as puzzled as I felt.

"I really don't know," he looked troubled, "Maybe… because… a square is all even, so everything's equal and balanced?" But I wasn't sure that his answer could have been that pre-meditated.

Next we did word association and his answers were innocent enough though one made me a bit curious. I had gone though love, school, humanity and politics and was on family.

"Family" I spit at him.

"Dinner" He stammered then blushed, "I mean not to eat them, I just…" This was good, I had whipped him into a frenzy, and I couldn't loose the stress just when he was beginning to say things he didn't even know he meant.

"Understandable, dinner time is family time. Parents." I challenged.

"Worry." He responded.

"Home."

"Refuge."

"Sister."

"Protection." That was almost sweet, I drove my point home.

"Father."

"Perfect." He almost shouted it. I stopped. He was breathing a bit fast but quickly composed himself.

"Why perfect with father, Light?" Going with the heat of the moment I wrapped an arm around him and sat beside him on the couch.

"Oh, no reason, I guess. He's always been a role model to me, and I look up to him." Light spoke a bit quickly. I tried to appear tender and understanding.

"It's okay, Light, you can talk to me. These sessions are private, I won't even tell L this part and that's a promise." This ploy didn't work, he just smiled.

"No, seriously that's all it is." His voice was level and almost scarily calm. I sighed and stood up.

"Alright then, I guess that's all I need today Light. I think I've made up my mind but you do seem like a very nice kid." I began to pack my stuff back together.

"No wait, please." He sounded a bit desperate. I did a little victory dance in my head, he was going to spill!

"Look, it's not exactly relevant to this case. My father just wants me to succeed and fulfill my potential, nothing bad. Sometimes, its a little stressful but high expectations are a good motivator, that's all I swear." For a moment I saw a look in his eyes that made me recognize the Light Yagami I had first met.

"Alright then, Light, shall we continue?" I changed the topic and he looked more comfortable. I flew through the rest of the test without another incident. My mind was faraway through most of it. The reason I had chosen psychology when I returned to college was based mostly on talent. I had a habit of putting together a story that told me more than a person would ever dare to admit just by observation of voice, face and posture. Light made me a little sad, being perfect is never easy. I had always hoped that it would be fun, though.

_A/N: This is an odd chapter. Lavender fails at dinner, Misa appears, black squares equal happiness and Light eats his family. Death Note sure is great. Rrrrrreeeeeeeeevvvvviiiiieeewww. _


	6. Chapter 6

When I came into L's room it was dark. The lights were of and only the pale light streaming through the windows cast the ghostly glow on L's face. He looked tired but was none the less sucking thoughtfully on a boiled sweet.

"L?" I said softly not wanting to disturb him.

"Yes come in Miss Andrews, we should talk about what you've found." His voice was low and velvet soft and his eyes were dark and deep. I slunk into the room and eased myself into the chair across from him, placing my notes on the table between us.

"Light was very normal, nothing really. He just…" I paused wanting to say something in Lights defense, "He's just not Kira." L tilted his head ever so slightly at me.

"Yes I know that Miss Andrews but could he have been Kira?" The question threw me. What was L getting at?

"C-could he? You mean if he had the chance? In the past well, I didn't, I don't…" Another spectacular failure at talking. So this is my life.

"Pardon me Miss Andrews, I don't believe I have explained myself clearly. My latest theory is that Light Yagami in fact used to be Kira but now has no memory of it." Oh but life is worth living isn't it? Especially when you have L still giving you a little half-smile even when you are obviously a blithering idiot.

"Yes that could be it." I mused, "he really seemed to fit the type before but now the idea just repulses him. But why would he become Kira in the first place? His life is so… perfect." To my surprise L still was looking at me like I made sense. Ha. He narrowed his eyes a bit and spoke in a soft voice.

"That Miss Andrews is for you to tell me. Why would Light become Kira?" L thumbed his lip gently as he thought, it made him look younger. I made a split-second decision at that moment. Light would not have become Kira because of anything we had talked about and therefore L did not need to know.

"I don't know. I've tried what I can and I don't know." I said simply. Every molecule in me was screaming even though the room was getting dimmer as the light faded and we both spoke in hushed tones. Everything was still but inside I writhed.

Please, my mind begged, don't send me away again L. Don't shove me under the bed and forget about me like you did before. You may not need me but I need you so let me help. But let me do what's right to.

L reached for the file on the table and thumbed through the pages. I took a deep breath and jumped off a cliff.

"That last page is private, between the patient and myself." L looked as startled as I had ever seen him look.

"Miss Andrews, you can't withhold information from me, this is part of an investigation." His eyes were wide and he had that intense look on his face I now recognized as the look he gave when he read you.

"You have my word that the information in question is not relevant to this case." I tried to meet his gaze but it was too hard.

"Lavender," He said and I jumped, he had called me by my first name, "Lavender please understand, I need you to tell me this. You might not think it's important but it might be, I need to know." I was a bit dazed, I thought I might burst into flames the way he stared into me, stared through me.

"It's a personal problem not relating to this case." I was dazed, not really believing what I was saying anymore, only believing in L.

"Lavender, I need you to give everything for this case, because it's life or death for some people and I'm one of them. This world needs me and I need you." He rested his hand on my, light as air.

His touch was soft and feathery, so light I was afraid he would slip away. This is so right, I thought, it all feels so right.

"It's not important, L, not relevant." Something in me still held, some wall that all of my reason was screaming at me to through down. Then suddenly the puzzle pieces of my life came together. Every splintered non-relevant part of me came speeding together in a rush of air and joy and I felt my entire life spread its wings and launch me into the air.

L took his lips and slowly pressed them to mine. The light had almost gone from the room and reality seemed to be going with it. His lips were cool and sweet. Everything was cold and hard but together we were warm and soft. He sucked a little on my bottom lip and then I felt him gently pull back. Don't go, I wanted to cry, let this never stop! But then we were to people again, in a room at the end of the day with work to do.

Funny but I couldn't remember exactly why I hadn't wanted to tell him anything. If L wanted the world now it was his. I handed him the file without a word and he gave me a nod. It was grave and respectful and for a moment my ego filled its lung and I thought I might explode. I used to think it was impossible for a person to feel this much.

I walked home that night, feeling filled and satisfied and blessing all that I saw. L had kissed me and life was perfect.

_A/N: Shorter chapter but I tried to make it fun packed. Lavender: lol I am stupid, L: lol yes, __-makes out- _


	7. Chapter 7

I had thought life was going to be perfect. I was wrong. Life just got even more surreal. L was the true winner of the 'sending a mixed signal award'. Everyday I saw him and everyday he acted like nothing had ever happened between us and never even mentioned it. I was living in the land of the very confused and had no idea what to do or say to him about it. I had never wanted this, I often complained to Matsuda. I was meant for a simple life, not this mess. Whenever I tried to untangle the knots of my life I would eventually just despair and go back to not thinking.

Not thinking was proving to be more interesting lately what with the catching Kira business. Light and L working as a team was a scary thing to see. They could put things together at a rate so fast I was left in the dust while L was already evaluating Lights conclusion to see if his thought process sounded anything like Kira's.

I kept pretty busy as well investigating a company called Yotsuba, which was serving the place of prime suspect. I was suppose to be helping L to analyze which of a certain group of business men was most likely to be Kira. I drew the same conclusion for every one of them: they all wanted money badly enough to resort to murder. This put us back at square one.

Light and L however seemed to think of this massive problem as only a little hiccup in the plan and puzzled out a plan together that almost sounded like it would work. I didn't pay much attention to it myself. I would just zone out whenever someone started talking and end up just staring at L.

The only thing I really roused myself for was when Matsuda got himself into a spot of trouble for trying to be heroic. I teased him mercilessly for it but deep down I think he knew that I was terrified for him. And after that things just sort of went into a downward spiral. Everyday was a whirl of excitement, things started to fall into place and plans started to take shape. I watched with a sort of bemused interest. It was like a bird sitting in a tree observing the lives of humans; this was all so far beyond me. I could see what they were doing; I just couldn't follow the thought process needed to get there. Matsuda scolded me for this when I would complain.

"You're just so used to being able to read people and now you're forced to stoop to my level. I can never really keep up with this stuff; I guess it never really mattered to be. Now cut it out genius, there's no need for whining when you're already smarter than I could hope to be."

Flattery always helps my problems. If Matsuda was good at anything it was flattery. By the time he would finish boosting my mood I would practically be purring. Unfortunately I would see L the next day and I would be back to feeling like a child. A neglected child.

The day it happened I called off sick from work. My head felt like it was going to explode and I kept having this problem with my eyes staying open. I looked like a mess to, all red and nasty in the face and somehow colors that usually looked good insisted on bringing out some green undertones I had never known I had. Matsuda called at lunch to check on me and I mumbled something unintelligible before sinking back into my sickly stupor.

I spent most of the day like that. I don't think I've ever been sick like that before or since. It was like some superhuman force had decided that for events to unfold correctly my presence was not required on what might have been the most important day for me to go to work. I spent the night turning restlessly and entangling myself in the sheets before at about 1am I fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

The next morning I was mysteriously cured. First I was shocked when I woke up and felt almost human. Next I was overjoyed, I'm alive! Finally I was furious, why on earth did something so wretched pass so quickly? Now I would have to shamble into work and be blush my way through lectures about how important my work was and how I couldn't just take off work for anything. People are dying, blah blah blah.

An illness should have the decency to make you an invalid for a proportional amount of time. Late and grumbling I dragged on clothes and decided that no make-up would help make my face look a bit more like 'I have just crawled back from death's door' than my usual robust glow. Hair was a problem. It looked like something had built a nest on my head while I had been tossing about all night. There was no time to shower so I battled it back into a sort of ponytail. I dashed outside into the horrifically bright sunlight and cursing colorfully I made a mad run to catch my train.

I managed to cram myself onto an already full train. I was sort of crouching under some business mans armpit but hey, at least I was going to be on time. The extensive security of L's headquarters took some time but I finally burst into the room. The amazing thing was, no one even noticed.

They were all in a huddle around a table at the far side of the room. I tried to sort of slide over to them with out being noticed. They appeared to be discussing a small black object on the table. Suddenly Matsuda leapt a full foot into the air with a terrified squeal. He scrambled backwards away from me, staring transfixed at my face. What was his problem? But then the entire rest of the task force promptly did the same thing, with varying degrees of horror. I stood stunned. Was this some kind of sick joke?

"Hello?" I said slowly as they all stood stricken. Then I heard L begin to laugh softly to himself. I turned to him; if this was a joke then it was a stupid one. "Look I was gone for one day guys! I'm not the freaking ghost of Christmas past, it was one day!"

This set L laughing in earnest. He had a nice laugh, light and warm. I had never seen him laugh before but now his eyes twinkled with mirth. Slowly the rest of the task force began to laugh, nervous and shaky. This day was taking weird to a new level.

Final L decided to address me. "Miss Andrews I would assume that you are very confused right now."

"Yes." I said, my supply of words drying up like usual when I looked at him. And then they all explained. The story was long and complex, all of them adding onto it as the tale of what exactly I had missed when I took off sick. They had caught a man. A man from the Yotsuba company who had been acting as Kira. They had found out how he killed. And I hadn't been there!

"Miss Andrews, I'd like you to touch this." L said holding up the slim black notebook they had all been examining. I felt my face flush and I tried not to laugh or let my mind stray to where it shouldn't.

I hesitantly took the notebook from him. 'Death Note' it said it silver lettering on the cover. I tried not to look too incredulous, no way this was real. I flipped it open to the first page and scanned down the column of supposed rules.

"There's more in the back as well." Matsuda said, glancing over my shoulder. I read this second section of rules and this time could not resist rolling my eyes.

"Is this even serious?" I asked to the room at large.

"Yes." Replied a voice from behind me, "Very serious." I turned around and looked into a single glowing yellow eye. I screamed.

The moment my eyes locked with the monsters I sort of had a spasm of fright that sent me tipping over the back of the couch and then desperately clawing my way into a semi dignified position. What was it, and why were all of my primal instincts suddenly screaming 'EVIL' to every nerve in my body?

"This is Rem, she claims to be a shinigami." L said flatly from the other side of the couch.

"A what?" This day was getting more surreal by the moment.

_A/N: I am a sneaky kid who didn't really feel like explaining this whole plot arc so I solved the problem creatively. Ha. Next chapter will be a slammer I promise! Any thought?_


	8. Chapter 8

It was about half an hour and half a pot of overly sweetened coffee later that I finally had the whole story of what exactly I had missed yesterday. This was a big step; we now knew the rules, what exactly Kira was doing.

"This also proves that Light is not Kira, and never was." Chief Yagami was beaming when he said it. I was a bit puzzled; I had only scanned through the rules briefly.

"How so?' I questioned trying to stay focused on the conversation instead of the mesmerizing way L was sipping coffee.

"The thirteen day rule. Apparently if you kill one person then you must continue killing or thirteen days later you will die. We had both Light and Misa confined for more than thirteen days." L mumbled, sounding rather vexed by this.

"What you mean Misa wasn't the second Kira?" I was appalled, how could she not have been the second Kira was a better question.

"It would appear so." L said and his voice trailed off. He turned his head rather sharply to stare directly into my eyes. This caused my brain to go on a vacation for a few minutes while my stomach began to dance a jig.

"I don't like it. These rules in the back seem almost like they're supposed to thwart every theory I had. All the pieces had fit before and the explanation was simple. Now the truth appears to be a tangle of very complicated coincidence and through all of my years I have found that the simplest explanation is usually the best. Something is not right here." L's voice was dark and it sent me into a sort of trance of awe. Matsuda broke said trance a few moments later however.

"I think you're just pouting and being all sullen because for once in your life you were wrong." Matsuda's voice was chiding. I felt a sudden urge to slap him but quickly repressed it, Matsuda was always a dork.

L gave him a withering look and said nothing, which deflated Matsuda a bit. The sudden moody silence was broken by the entrance of two very familiar faces. It was Light and Misa again but something seemed very wrong when I first looked at them.

I couldn't place it for a moment and then I realized, Light was holding Misa like he actually liked her. Like he could do more than tolerate her presence, their entwined fingers looked more a couple in love. I was baffled.

"Misa will have to leave today L if you don't mind. She has to get back to her modeling and she's free to go now isn't she?" Light almost sounded like he was gloating. I looked up with a start and my mouth may have actually fallen open. It was like he was a different person, yet somehow the same. He looked like Light, he sounded like Light but every subtle and almost imperceptible clue was different. His eyes no longer held that innocent glimmer and his smile had lost all its warmth leaving it cold and hard. It sent shivers down my spine just to look at him.

"You may both leave if you see fit." Said L, his voice dead sounding.

"As a member of this taskforce I am committed to catching Kira but Misa has her public to think about." The word had an almost sick sound to them. Light stroked Misa's hair gently and they left the room together, Misa cooing soft words into Light's ear. There was a moment of silence when they left. I was completely appalled but Matsuda was sighing and grinning.

"What's wrong Lavender, you look a bit thunderstruck?" Matsuda asked, still with that dopey fawning look on his face, "I think they seem so good together."

L stood up and shuffled over to his usual chair, turning one of the many monitors on. The screen filled with a grainy image of Light and Misa as they waked together to the door of task force headquarters. They held each other in a long embrace before Misa smiled and left. You could almost see the disappointment written painfully across L's face. We all sat silently until Light walked back in.

*

Kira began killing again 1 hour after Misa Amane was cleared as a suspect and released.

A few hours later I wandered listlessly around headquarters. We had no real work to do and L had just kind of disappeared. It had begun raining outside, for now just a drippy grey drizzle. It was still pretty early in the day but no one could really find the motivation to work and I was feeling a need for solitude. My mood was grim and I was worried, staring out the window into the grey. Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder and I jumped. L was standing behind me gazing out into the rain as well.

"Lavender, could we talk somewhere. I-" He paused looking unsure, "I just wanted some company." He looked worried and almost a little scared. My heart melted and I nodded.

"Alright then, do you want to sit down somewhere?" My professional self was eager for a chance to unravel the thoughts of the strangest and most wonderful person I had ever met but mostly I just wanted to be near him. To look at him and hear his voice, to feel his presence and to brush his hand against mine.

We walked silently together down the deserted halls, listening to the melancholy echo of our footsteps and I began to understand why he had wanted my today. It was so heartbreakingly lonely here. He led me into a room a few floors up and shut the door softly. It was a simple clean room with a couch in the center and as usual a television. When we were both seated on the couch he turned to look at me.

"So," I said slowly, my voice a little shaky, "what did you want to talk about anyway?" He turned away from me so all I could he was the black crown of his hair.

"Lavender I think I'm going to die." He said in a low monotone. I was silent for a moment, stunned. Pale grey light was streaming through the window making his hair shine like a halo around his head. "I here the bell today and it's louder than usual, it's hard to think it's so loud…" His voice trailed off and he turned his troubled face to look at me, his eyes narrowed with concern.

"I- I- don't…" Words failed me as usual and I sputtered off as well. We stared at each other for a moment, our sentences both sputtering out like wet firecrackers lay dead between us and we could only stare. Faintly in the distance I heard the low rumble of thunder. Something in the room seemed to snap.

In that instant our bodies just seem to fly together without control. I grasped his soft black hair in my fingers and he covered me with his sugary sweet kisses. I couldn't think, only feel and the entire universe seemed to be rushing into me. Some how, irrelevant things like clothing simply melted away and I could feel his skin moving against mine. His hands were so gentle and his mouth was so soft.

Everything was sweet and light and I felt like a feather, I would float away if his gentle tug did not hold me. I could feel joy bubbling inside of me as he held my waist and pressed his mouth to my back. This was how it should be, L falls for the girl that can help him and the girl's dreams final come true. Dreams of a boy who is gentle and nervous and who was so different only she will see his beauty. I was special when L was around.

This was the right thing. His legs were sliding against mine and his hands were stroking my neck. Then we were the same person and time slowed down so every moment was stretched out into some beautiful dream. I wanted to cry and say to him that I would break if endured anymore of this ecstasy but I could never stop.

The rain was getting harder outside, becoming a grey curtain, and the thunder's distant rumble was becoming more of a constant soundtrack. We lay on the couch, entangled impossibly with one another, breathing hard and smiling. My head lay on his chest and he smelled like vanilla and icing. I looked up at his face and smiled up at him. He stroked my chin gently and sat up. I stretched myself slowly on the couch, feeling like heaven.

"Thank you Lavender." He said with a smile as he slowly began to pull on his clothes. I laughed,

"Thank you? Is that what they're calling it these days?"

"No I mean it, I needed this to get me through the rest of the day. I needed to feel alive just for a little while." His eyes were serious and deep.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snorted with laughter, "Today is just a day. A really really good day at that. Maybe tomorrow will be better."

"I'm not sure there will be a tomorrow." He said rather darkly and turned his face away.

"Of course there will be! We could be official now, we could even get married if you'd like, I can be spontaneous!" I was still bubbling with joy and didn't have to worry about what he thought of me. L turned back to face me a raised an eyebrow.

"Married?" He questioned looking doubtful. I blushed.

"Sorry, too fast too soon. I just meant, you know, see each other more." I took his hand and sighed.

"Lavender, I don't want to see you. I don't want to date you. I wanted to be with you today because you are an attractive girl and I desired the experience of having you. I think we have both received our pleasure now and I must continue with my job." He said it bluntly, his voice flat. I reeled in shock.

"So, so you don't to date a coworker? I, I could give it up for you, my job I mean!" I waited for his response as terror slowly began to flood through my veins. L sighed and gave his explanation.

"No Lavender, I don't care if you work with me or not. I knew the benefits of intercourse, relieving tension and focusing thought. I needed this and you assisted, don't be upset it was very nice. If I require this assistance again then I will ask you if you so desire. But I do not desire affection or love. Thank you for your physical assistance to help me continue work on this case." His words seemed to hand in the air for a minute afterwards and I just stared, repulsed.

How could someone so beautiful utter words so ugly and horrible. I couldn't even speak, I was choking, I had forgotten how to breathe. L finished dressing and left the room, like nothing was wrong.

Suddenly I just collapsed. Like someone had just pulled the plug I couldn't even move anymore. How on earth could I be so stupid? I wanted to scream. This wasn't some idiotic movie, this was life! Here was a man, a real person who was most likely insane, he didn't love he just did. I had a job and that was the thing that mattered to him, not a person or a feeling. He was no hero, just an employee serving for duty. Why would he think of a person as anymore than an object in his great game, a way to better himself? That's all it was and all it would ever be, a business arrangement for mutual gain.

How did I not see that? If I was so good at figuring people out how could I have missed that? Come on Lavender, give me the files, sacrifice your morals and I'll give you a kiss, HOW? I was burning with fury and hatred but unfortunately still love. I still clung to him in my mind, begging him to just pretend he loved me.

Like a robot I dressed and moved out of the room like a ghost. I felt lost, just walking up and down the hallways at random, drifting from room to room.

The thunder was getting louder.

As I stared out of a window I saw them. L was standing outside in the rain, letting it soak through his clothes and plaster his hair into lank strands. The strangest thing was that Light stood out there with him, letting the rain wash over him and drip off of his composed features. They were talking but what they were saying I knew didn't matter.

There was a bizarre sort of kinship between them and with a start I realized how much alike they were. Light may have been born in different circumstance and he may have played his cards differently but they were on the same plane. They worked the same way. I'm not sure if it they liked it or not but I shuddered to think that maybe Light was the only person in the world L could count as an equal and L was the only one Light could ever make a true friend of.

Thunder began to really crash now, cracking over the building.

They walked back into the building together but I stood at the window, transfixed by the rain. When I felt a tap on my shoulder I jumped and gave a little squeak. It was Matsuda, looking vaguely concerned.

"Lavender, L wants us." He paused, "Is something wrong?" Was something wrong? Well the world had fallen apart but sure everything else was fine and dandy. I didn't have the strength to get angry though, I was too miserable.

Then something awful happened. A disgusting sort of smile hinged itself onto my face and hung there all crooked and grotesque. A tinny moan that I was certain was not my voice spoke from my weakly flapping lips.

"Oh, I'm fine Matsuda, I wonder what L wants anyways?" How did I do that? How could I say those words? How could I even function now? I was fairly sure that it was not the enduring strength of the human spirit but something far darker.

"Probably some crazy new scheme that will blow your mind, again." To my horror, Matsuda was convinced. He had believed the terrifying imitation of Lavender that I had somehow conjured. Why on earth was I with the police force when a promising acting career seemed well on its way?

I drifted along beside Matsuda in a sort of trance. The rain pounded on the glass of the windows, drowning out my wretched thoughts. I felt numb but in a scary way I also felt invincible. Nothing could touch me. No one could hurt me. If the worst has already happened, what's left to fear?

We entered the room where L sat as usual in his chair in front of the computers. I found myself able to look at him quite calmly and with more ease than I had ever felt before.

"I have to decided to test out the notebook." He said holding it up. Cries of rage and indignation followed that proclamation. I was just mildly startled; the purpose of our investigation had slipped my mind. L's ruthless plan to test out the 15-day rule on an actual criminal didn't seem to matter. I knew this is how it would be from now on. I would work with him and my suddenly acquired acting talent would get me through the rest.

I was finding it easier to stare at Light than face my future. My mind wondered and miraculously settled on the task at hand. Misa would really be in the doghouse if this 15-day rule turned out to be a flop. She might even get a conviction.

Lightning suddenly flashed, illuminating the room in its harsh, white light. A deafening crack resounded through the building, echoing through the empty halls, magnifying and crashing in us. The power cut and the room was filled with a dim red light that flickered on L's alert face.

"Watari?" He asked, sounding for the first time, very small and almost afraid. Abruptly the computers cut and displayed on the fact that all data had been deleted.

"What's happening?" Someone yelled.

"I instructed Watari to delete all our files if something should happen to him." L's voice was hollow, shocked. My eerie calm did not break. The rest of the room was chaotic yells and figures darting through the bloody light. I leaned, disinterested, against the back wall. L's voice suddenly rang out over the din.

"Everyone the Shiniga-" But he was cut short. The room suddenly went deadly silent. That unfinished sentence seemed to hang in the air, ringing in our ears.

His spoon gently slipped out of his fingers, cascading slowing to the ground. Then L slowly leaned, hunched into a ball as always, and toppled out of his chair. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Light make a dive to him, catching him before he crashed to the floor. He cradled the slim bent body in his arms and L's eyes seemed to shine in his face, gazing transfixed at something I could not see. Then, like the moment that the child turns his bike to sharply or the car begins to slide just slightly, his eyes began to drift closed. It was that powerless feeling just before the disaster, that desperate clawing at air that will never help but that you cannot prevent. In that moment I felt the newly created Lavender shatter as quickly as she had appeared. It was impossible to exist as that person, times had changed.

I don't remember when I started screaming. All I remember is that the world had broken and everything was poisonous black and I wasn't human. I screamed until there was nothing left in me and all of my hate built up in my throat, tearing out of me. I think someone was holding me but I couldn't remember. I shut that part out. I shut down.

*

We had a funeral. It was small and his grave was unmarked. We buried Watari as well. I couldn't look for most of it. I had just been discharged from the hospital after my little breakdown. Matsuda had stayed with me the whole time. He always knew what I needed before I even asked. He had suddenly become the world overnight.

It was late evening when our funeral was over. The task force paid their respects and we bowed our heads as one. The night was red-gold and beautiful. The wind was stirring in the trees and rustling the grass. Matsuda stepped forward and placed a slice of chocolate cake in front of the tomb, which brought smiles and tears.

We all walked away together except for Light. He stood, unfinished, in front of the grave. I remember looking back and seeing his silhouette standing on the hill like a statue, or part of the stone. I looked up as the sun drowned in its own blood and the first stars began to peak through the escaping clouds. I placed my hand to my stomach and rubbed it again. Of all the things to find out at a hospital after your complete nervous breakdown…

_A/N: This chapter is so bipolar. "OMG Light is an evil genius!" "OMG L loves me this is awesome!" "OMG he doesn't love me this sucks!" "OMG he's dead!" "OMG!" And Lavender's description of sex sounds more like a drug trip. Reviews? _


	9. Chapter 9

"I am absolutely starving, give me something with chocolate in it!" I slammed my hands onto the counter of the convenience store, alarming the cashier. I was panting and in a hurry, my feet were killing me and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I dug out my wallet to pay for a large bag of candy before dashing back out onto the sunny street to munch on my snack as I walked. If I was late again Matsuda would surely eat me alive.

Being a parent is hard work. Being a single working mother is basically superhuman but I can't take all the credit for that. Matsuda practically raised my son himself. Not to mention my sister who can be remarkably cool on occasion (plus she babysits for free). And my parents who visit all the time these days but never have once asked me any of the questions I really didn't want to answer, but I have a feeling that I can thank Matsuda for that one to.

I stuffed another handful of chocolate into my mouth. What were these things even called? And how could I buy half a million of them? I turned a corner too sharply and had a near toppling incident. Sometimes I really hate work.

To cut a long story short, I have a good life. I have a beautiful son who means the world to me. I have a best friend who is always there for me. I have a family who doesn't pry into why I suddenly have a kid. I have a nice apartment and an even nicer salary.

Irony however has followed me closely. I now work as assistant editor at one of the top fashion magazines in Japan. Figures. I also have a fun female work friend. Her name is Misa Amane. All of our misunderstandings and catty arguments dried up when she saw me so miserable for a while.

I still keep up with the Kira investigations. I have discovered that baking is actually quite enjoyable sometimes and so I supply the taskforce with much needed cookies. It is a hard job but someone has to do it, glad to be of service. Aizowa is like the older brother I never had. He has a daughter about the same age as my son and I have spent many an afternoon with his pleasant little family. I do pretty well if I say so myself.

I clomped up to the elementary school just in time and only had a moment to pant and gasp before a little cannon ball nearly sent me over again and tugged me off, talking at record-breaking speed.

I was still pretty lost when I had him. The first year of his life was like a storm. I had zero stability back then and was liable to burst into tears over the smallest things. I had never really thought of myself as a delicate person but you see yourself in a different light after spending 5 minutes sobbing on the kitchen floor because your son isn't in the mood for mashed peas.

People, at first, had said that maybe I wasn't ready to have a baby and that I should take care of this problem before it got bigger. But bigger it did get, I couldn't give him up. I could say that I felt the need to carry on the legacy, or that I needed to have some connection to what was lost. This is not the case. I just wanted my son.

I wasn't sure what to name him either. I couldn't exactly name him after his father. How awkward is that to explain, well I didn't know his fathers name. So I named him Lawliet. Not sure why, I just liked the name, it sounded so gentle yet aloof.

"Mom is that candy? Are you eating candy? Can I have some? Can I have your candy? Mom?" I felt small, mysteriously sticky, fingers begin to pry on my bag of chocolate. This meant war.

"No honey, you'll ruin your appetite." I patted his dark curls and tried to get a glimpse of exactly what was on his fingers.

"No, I won't. I'm really hungry. I didn't eat snack today. I wasn't hungry." It was brown; oh lord, were his fingers brown?

"Well then you can't be hungry now." I said primly and hoisted the candy higher.

"I just got hungry." He whined and made a swipe at me with a brown fist. Ahaha, pathetic child, I win this round. My superior height is your greatest weakness.

"Candy is bad for you. A growing boy like you needs good food so he can get taller." I smirked and him as he trotted along, pouting.

"Then why are you eating it?" Uh oh, he'd called me out. I had to think fast.

"Lawliet, what did you have for snack today anyway?" I tried to change the subject a bit lamely.

"Pudding, but it wasn't good pudding." I sighed with relief, that would explain the brown. I gave up this battle and offered him the bag. Oh, I am a bad mother.

*

When we got back to the apartment Lawliet wondered off to his room while I settled back at my computer to work. Animal print and the massive effect it has on the world perception of women and animal rights. Wow.

We had a quite evening, I ordered out for dinner and then put Lawliet to bed. I was watching T.V. and eating pop-tarts when my phone started to buzz.

I picked it up. It was Misa.

"Lavender! You'll never guess what happened the other day! It was so exciting, like, the most exciting thing that's happened in ages." Uh oh, exciting? Knowing Misa it was probably some new level in her skyrocketing fame. I prepared myself for a wave of jealousy.

"Takimura got kidnapped by the American mafia and they want to ransom him for the notebook!" Misa chirped.

That was unexpected.

I recovered quickly but my mind was still blown. I stammered into my phone.

"W- what? Just, so sudden! Why?" I realized that I was blabbered and shut my mouth. There was never anything useful that came out of my mouth.

"Some guy called us just out of no where when we realized he was gone. Light's working on it but I got tired so I went to bed." I heard her yawn on the other end. How an earth did Misa manage to stay so calm at times like this? I was pretty sure I wouldn't sleep a wink tonight now.

"So what are they gonna do? They can't give these people the notebook, how will they get Takimura out?" I stood up and began to pace around the room, running my free hand through my hair.

"I don't know, but I'm sure Light will think of something, he can do anything!" Misa giggled and I rolled my eyes, and then realized she couldn't see that.

The idea of Misa and Light as a couple still seemed somehow wrong to me. Light was always affectionate and Misa bordered on obsessive but something about the whole thing left a sour taste in my mouth. After having thoughts like this I would usually scold myself, thinking that I was just being bitter and cynical. Then I would scold myself again for psychoanalyzing myself too much.

"So I guess things are heating up down there again huh?" I asked distractedly, I had this weird urge to just get up and go over there, play detective for a while. Misa paused for a moment and I heard some muffled talking.

"Hold on a sec, Lav." She murmured into the phone. I waited, itching to rant about using my real name. A full minute later Misa spoke again, this time in a hushed tone with real concern in her voice.

"Takimura's dead but they have Sayu."

_A/N: So we begin the second plot arc here. What will happen? I'm glad to see my little OC coming into her own now and being less of an obsessive L creeper. And yes I do love irony so I named her son Lawliet. Or maybe Lavender has magic powers that let her sense the names of her dead jerk lovers so she can name her son after them. Would it kill anyone to review? (Apologies if it would actually kill you, we don't want any of that.) _


	10. Chapter 10

The vase shattered around Matsuda's ears as he ducked through the doorway to my apartment.

"Very smooth Matsuda, very smooth! You swear to me you'll tell me every detail of this case, keep me up to date all the time, you promised! But I guess I'm just not on the list anymore huh? Honestly, when Misa is more well informed than me there is a problem!" I realized I was screaming and moved to a harsh whisper. "So, did anything interesting happen today that I might like to know about?" Matsuda gave a weak and terrified smile.

"I notice you insult your supposed friend Misa whenever you feel the need to justify yourself." He eyed the broken pieces of vase with caution. I smirked.

"Nice try but you can't change the subject that easily. I want some explanation. Now." I folded my arms across my chest. Matsuda looked at his shoes like they were the most fascinating things he'd ever seen.

"But Lavender, Lawliets home, it wouldn't be right to fight here…"

"Now." I snarled. Matsuda sighed.

"You know for a psychologist you sure have a lot of issues." My anger broke at that and I couldn't resist a snort of laughter.

It was late afternoon of the following day, golden sunlight slanting through the kitchen window and the soft sounds of Lawliet in the next room, clicking his train tracks.

"Lavender, I'm really sorry, this is just another one of the many dumb things I do. I really meant to tell you but we were working all night and I was so tired. I just really want to help, I want to pull my weight so I try as hard as I can but still manage to mess something up. I know this doesn't make up for anything, I did promise but, I'm really sorry." Matsuda's words rushed out of him and he twisted his fingers around his cup of tea. I sighed and plopped down in the chair next to him.

"Its alright, I didn't mean to go psycho on you but I do worry about you. I worry about everyone on that task force and knowing everything that happens gives me this stupid, false sense of security." I paused for a moment in thought, "plus I really liked that vase…" Matsuda rolled his eyes.

I had the whole story out in about half an hour. When Matsuda spilled the beans about another nugget of withheld information though, I quite nearly had another fit.

"I didn't want you to hear about this Lavender! Another kid detective from the same place as L, who could figure out that Light wasn't him in about half a second, you're too fragile Lavender, I didn't want to put you through that." It felt like a slap to the face and I felt an icy sinking in my stomach.

"I think I can be the judge of that." I snapped at him. Was I really that pathetic? I felt sick. How could he think of me like that, as just a weak and useless girl who couldn't handle things that might hurt her? Matsuda gave me his melancholy stare and I realized just how impossible it was to be mad at him, and just how easy it was to be mad at myself.

*

Something evil was happening. I wish I knew what it was. My conciseness slowly floated into being and I identified the source of the evil as the telephone. Ringing. Waking me up.

So maybe in most people's worlds, when your son goes off to spend the night at some other child's house you stay up late or go out. So maybe in some people's worlds 9 at night was a perfectly respectable time to call a working adult. These were not my worlds.

I slowly dragged myself out of bed and then, remembering why I was getting up, made a mad dash for the phone before it went to the answering machine. I barely made it in time and lay gasping on the hardwood floor as a tentative voice on the other end said,

"Hello?"

"Hello, who is this?" I muttered and panted as I scrambled off the floor, rubbing my eyes.

"This is Light, Lavender, I need to ask you for a favor." His composure was just as smooth and flawless as usual. I made an odd squeak of surprise, which I sincerely hope he didn't hear.

"Yes, what is it?" Why did everything I said come out so hostile, more importantly why was I suddenly so nervous around him?

"Well, I know Misa told you about Sayu and…" He paused, "I want to ask you to rejoin the task force, just temporarily, but we really do need your help this time." This had to be a dream. I wasn't entirely sure what the feeling rushing through me was, fear, anger, excitement, shock? I settled upon one, joy. It was like I had final realized that I had been missing this for so long, remembered my longing just as I got my wish.

"Of course, of course I'll help!" Enthusiasm came out in my words this time and I suddenly didn't feel tired anymore. Fighting for justice is fun!

"Thank you Lavender," Light said and it dawned on me just how exhausted he sounded. I felt a wave of pity for the poor guy.

"So, anything you need me to do, I'll do it!" I still sounded like a boy scout, gee whiz!

"Well, actually Lavender, could you come over to headquarters so we can work out this plan?" They were still at work, I suddenly felt embarrassed at my easy comfortable life.

"I'll be there soon." I vowed and hung up the phone. Pajamas were probably not the thing to go out in so I scurried to the closet. That was the moment when I was struck by my lack of anything to wear. These were fashion major clothes, not professional, not Kira investigation. Where did all of my suits go?

I rummaged around in the back of the closet for a while before digging one out. It was a bit old, in fact I had worn it the last time I had been helping with the Kira investigation. I stripped off my pajamas and began to tug it on; I wanted to get there as soon as I could. The skirt seemed tighter than I remembered, had it shrunk? When I tried to fasten the top of it I actually had to suck in and it pinched a bit around the hips.

I stared at myself in the mirror, transfixed. Had I really been so distracted that I didn't even notice the fact that I looked like a hippopotamus? This was terrible and I refused to believe it. Then I compared the sizes and nearly screamed. Did all mothers fail to observe the fact that they had gone up 2 sizes?

I called my sister to yell at her because I had decided to blame someone else for all my problems. She told me that I looked fine and that I had always been freaky about my weight anyways. I called her a fat pig and hung up the phone.

Then I sucked in my stomach and looked in the mirror for a while before I felt guilty and called her back and apologized. Finally I gave up and decided I would just have to wear the death suit and try not to breath. Maybe I could find some more clothes later.

I hobbled into task force headquarters about 15 minutes later, panting. I hadn't wanted to make quite such a dramatic entrance but man, so many stairs!

My boys didn't look good. Matsuda was pretending not to be asleep at his desk. Aizowa's brow was so contorted he looked like he might, in fact have no eyes. Ide, one of the newer recruits, was staring unseeingly at a piece of paper on his desk. Mr. Yagami looked terrible, he was unshaven and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked as old as I had ever seen him. Light was sitting, tight lipped, at the computer and was the only one still actually managing to work.

"Sorry I took so long, shall we get started?" I said, trying to sound cheerful. Light rubbed his forehead and turned around to face me.

"We're flying out to America tomorrow. My father will handle the trade but we need some one to be on the line with him to make sure things run smoothly. I need a professional opinion like yours." Light explained. I was a bit taken aback. Tomorrow was so soon! Then I cursed myself mentally for being such a selfish idiot, of course they had to go soon, they had to go whenever these mafia clowns wanted them to come.

"Alright, when is the flight?" I said simply.

"You're fine with it then? You don't have anything you need to do?" Light sounded as vaguely surprised as he could considering the circumstances. I nodded.

"My sister can take Lawliet and I want to help." None of the men objected, they were too tired to fight a lost battle.

"Thank you." Was all Light said and closed his eyes. Just a murmur of thanks and relief from fear.

*

It felt so strange not to be with Lawliet, not to be worrying about him or thinking about him or planning around him. It made me feel uneasy, disturbingly liberated, exposed.

I squirmed in my cramped airplane seat and wished for the thousandth time that this wretched suit had a bit more room in it. Matsuda was chattering on beside me about how great it was to have me back and how it had really raised everyone's spirits. I wasn't paying much attention, my knees were screaming at me to get out of this plane. Thankfully our captain had just come on the line to inform us that we were beginning our descent towards Los Angeles.

As the plane crept down from the sky at what seemed to me was an immeasurably slow speed I concentrated on the pleasing thought of being in America again. It would be nice to be back.

"Lavender, why didn't you just move back?" Matsuda said, nearly reading my thoughts as always. He sounded a bit nervous, like he almost regretted asking.

"Why on earth would I move back?" I said with a shrug.

"Because you like it here better, you speak the language better, your parents and all of your friends are here, because you lived your entire life here until recently and after that things just went downhill." Matsuda said it all in a rush. I was a bit startled.

"Matsuda, think for one second here please. My home is in Japan. Maybe it's not my favorite country; maybe I could have had a better life somewhere else but not now. It's my home now. My family does live there and so do my friends, you're my best friend dummy! Besides I can always visit my parents here. Honestly, if you thought I would just plant myself back here to have a child of mysterious origins you're nuts! I couldn't have made it without you." I'd been saving that little speech up for quite a while but it had come out a little sappy. It appeased Matsuda however so it did its job, he almost had a spring in his step when we got off the plane.

We all felt glad for a moment, glad to be off of that little plane and glad to be here in the warm breezes of the best bit of America. Then we all remembered why we were here. Nothing like a hostage situation to spoil the mood.

_A/N: Yay, more Matsuda goodness! Also: fun with weight loss is still to come… oh and that whole hostage thing, I might mention that again to. I got a review, wooooooo! If someone else reviews it's gonna basically make my day._


	11. Chapter 11

I won't even try to tell you what getting Sayu out of there was like. I think you probably know the story and all I can say about it was that it was the most terrifying and stressful experience of my life. The point is that it ends with me and a distraught Light Yagami sitting alone in a hotel room, Misa just having been chased out, close to tears.

I sat quietly next to him, his eyes were closed and his breathing was fast. I was utterly shaken; just trying to sit there and keep my composure while my shattered nerves put themselves back together. I spoke first.

"Please tell me there's something strong and alcoholic in this room."

Light muttered something almost incomprehensible but I got the idea and returned from the kitchen with two bottles. It was one of those days. I tossed one to Light and collapsed back into my chair. We were both silent for a few minutes with alcohol burning pleasantly in our throats. Finally Light said the word that pretty much summed up my feelings to.

"Fuck." He said thoughtfully, "What do we do now?" I almost laughed but instead kind of groaned.

"I've been thinking that far too much these days." A bit of subdued nervous laughter made us both begin to feel more human. Light sighed and turned to face me.

"I'm glad you're here Lavender." I blushed for some utterly unknown reason. I guess I was so unused to being complimented by men other than Matsuda.

"Yeah well, I guess things could have gone better but we got the job done didn't we? Sayu is safe and that's all that matters today. Maybe tomorrow we can worry about all the other stuff." It felt so strange to be here talking to him seeing as I had barley had any personal contact since, well, you know.

He seemed more vulnerable now than he had ever since all that horrible complicated business involving Kira's and shinigami. I had basically shut all of that wretched Death Note nonsense out of my mind, it was nothing but trouble.

"Lavender, are you psychoanalyzing me?" Light's voice jolted me out of my thoughts. I blushed again (two in under 5 minutes, this was getting bad.)

"No, I was just thinking. Ok maybe there was a little psychoanalyzing going on but what's a girl to do when she's suddenly rediscovered her old passion?" My words came out in a rush and my voice was higher than usual. Why on earth was I so nervous?

"Why do you even bother rotting in that fashion magazine job? Is it really that important to you what color will make you look edgy this spring? Its just garbage that we use to disguise other problems." Light's voice was nearly a hiss, dark and bitter. I was slightly surprised at his vehemence.

"I do it because I get money. It's something I'm good at and it may not matter that much but it's fun and it makes me feel better. I think I'll leave the jobs that matter to other people, I remember having one but I'm not keen on trying it again now." I tried to force a laugh on the last bit but it came out sounding grave and strangled. Light looked up at me and I wondered why I had never noticed the way that his eyes could glow from across a room. Or the way that the fading sun caught in his hair. What was wrong with me today?

"I'm glad you can say that but it makes me angry." He muttered and took another long drink from his bottle.

"Angry?" I questioned and had another drink as well.

"Angry that someone who was all set to be a real star, to be important and passionate could be crushed by someone who didn't even care." Light snarled in a low voice. I felt a chill run through me. I didn't like where this conversation was going at all.

"Light, please. I don't want to discuss this." I paused and bit the inside of my lip. "Maybe I should go." As I started to rise he got up with me and pulled me over to him. His fingers on my wrist felt like they were burning me even though they were soft and cool. Had I gone utterly insane?

"Hear me out Lavender. I always liked you, from the start. You were cool and fun and in all ways better than Misa. You're better looking by far. But you were all ways chasing after L." I flinched at the name, now struggling to get away from him. He pulled me closer to him and I could feel my body temperature go up another hundred degrees.

"He could just use you however he wanted but you'd always come back, as loyal as ever. How could a person be so blind? He was evil, he was psychotic, he was an unfeeling asshole!" Somehow my hand connected very hard with his face. I stumbled backwards, a look of shock on his face along with the stinging red mark.

"Don't talk about what you don't know, you revolting selfish child! Think for a minute about yourself, you just chased the woman who loves you the most out of the room in tears! She's my friend but you can openly insult her to me, even though you keep leading her on and pretending that you love her too! You're the biggest hypocrite I've ever met Light Yagami and I want nothing more to do with you!" I realized I was screaming at the end before whirling around and storming out of the room. I was panting, leaning on the door, my blood boiling.

I knew I should just leave. I knew that this whole situation was bad news. Every instinct I had was telling me to go back home and have the life that I had left. For some odd reason Matsuda's words kept ringing in my ears. Words about protecting me, about keeping my life in its safe little bubble, words I was sick and tired of. If I wanted to do something terrible and potentially dangerous I damn well would. I confess that the reason I went back into that room was because I wanted to be bad.

*

When I opened the door he was sitting down again, gazing into the distance as if in a trance and tenderly rubbing his cheek. I suddenly was hit with a wave of self-consciousness.

"Light, I'm sorry. I just kind of freak out when ever I think about him. I hope you can forgive me." I looked at my feet nervously and fidgeted with the edge of my blouse.

He didn't say anything but stood up and came over to me. He was so close I could smell him, something spicy and warm. I tried to distance myself from him but he put his hands around my waist and pulled me close. I could feel his heart racing. Without a word he cupped my chin in his and hand pulled my face to his.

Light Yagami kissed me, out of the blue, and I wanted it like nothing before.

After that I don't remember specifics. I remember fire and want and my clothes not coming off fast enough. I remember our flying tackle onto the bed and how the cold room felt like a sauna with both of us in it. Sweat was running down my back and Light placed furious kisses over every inch of me. The room was pitch black but we practically glowed with heat. He was gripping my arms so hard it hurt but I wanted it harder so I dug my nails into his back and writhed. L had held my like I would break but Light held me like he wanted to break me. And when I woke up in the morning with my hair plastered to my face and my body aching, all I could think about was doing it again.

We did do it again. And again and again and again and again. Every night Light would send Misa out with some terrible excuse and I would sneak up to his room for my daily dosage of emotionless sex. After Light's father died we did it all night. And partially into the morning so I had to go out the window when Misa knocked.

I think Matsuda knew but he never said anything even though I knew what he thought. Truly, Matsuda was the best friend anyone ever had.

I never stopped to feel guilty at first. But after we flew back to Japan and I had to work Light into my schedule things became harder. With Lawliet around I couldn't help but feel like a bad person. Also whenever Misa came by my office at work to chat or brought me a coffee when I hadn't even asked I felt like the world's worst friend. Not that it stopped me. With Light I was practically a force of nature. I saw him whenever I could, including unusual hours of the morning in cheap motel rooms.

I actually bought a book about sex. I read the whole thing in one night and then got terrified and burned it. But I remembered every word. And used it to very good effect.

I also began working out; spending hours sweating on the treadmill as well as the hours spent sweating in Light's arms. Whenever Matsuda came over and found me working out he would make an excuse to leave as quickly as possible. It was sweet of him to think of my feelings but I actually got a bit lonely without him. My sister began to complain that I was neglecting my son but she stopped complaining after I started paying her for babysitting. It was the money I had planned to spend on some new suits but I thought that would be giving up so I resolved to fit back into the old ones.

My life became fast and hectic and full but I liked it. There was less time to think but more time to feel. And feeling was good now that I wasn't just sitting around moping. Feeling was more fun when you had a gorgeous man who wanted to throw you on his bed and tear off every inch of your clothing. Plus life was never too stressful.

Sex left me refreshed these days, feeling relaxed and content. Knowing that something had no future and no strings attached was good. After being toyed with for so long it was good to know where you stood, even if it was just that someone liked having sex and nothing more.

But sometimes I would lie in bed in the morning and watch the sunrise blaze across Light's face. I had never seen such bright, gleaming hair or such smooth, golden skin. It made something inside me hurt so I would wrap my arms around him and try to fill the hole in my chest with something physical and solid. It never worked and when we got up silently and parted ways I would fantasize about the next time I saw him. That's as far as I could go, the next time I saw him.

One night I had a dream about L and woke up crying so hard I couldn't even see. I curled up against Light's chest but he didn't wake up so I lay there and waited for morning.

I visited his mother once. She and Sayu were doing ok after all they had been through and I felt honored to be in their company. I also felt embarrassed when Mrs. Yagami greeted me warmly at the door and served me tea. I was not that strong. She could carry on, alone if she had to and raise her emotional wreck of a daughter without the help of anyone. After she had lost the love of her life she could wake up every morning and do what she had to. I couldn't do that. I didn't visit again.

_A/N: Oh no she didn't! Oh yes I did just hook up Lavender with Light. But this ride isn't over yet so keep your seatbelts on. I love getting feedback! :)_


	12. Chapter 12

What is a girl supposed to do when her life is consumed by meaningless sex? Become a prostitute seems like the obvious answer but I wasn't interested in pursuing that particular career. For some idiotic reason my life was just falling apart around me and I just kept limping on because I couldn't think what else to do.

I was always tired from my midnight romps and it made me irritable and liable to lash out at anyone.

At work, I churned out articles like a robot but they were barely coherent.

I started having a daily self-hatred session in front of my mirror, trying to stare my abs into flattening.

I barely saw Matsuda and after a while he just stopped calling.

My sister was getting married and I inadvertently seemed to sabotage her planning at every turn.

Even my son noticed, although I had tried so hard to keep things the same for him. He wouldn't come and talk to me anymore about his day, or show me something he had made because he understood that I would be too caught up in my own life to notice. It's hard for a kid that young to have to realize that I had a life other than him.

Then one day it happened. Having a secret can crush you.

I lay next to Light, watching him sleep as the dawn slowly crept up through the motel curtains, and marveling at the splendid magnificence of the beautiful creature I had somehow ended up with. I knew he would be angry when he woke up because he had to go to work and had no time for sleep.

I had been awake for an hour but hadn't had the heart to wake him up because he looked so heart-breakingly vulnerable when he slept. I had watched the patterns of moonlight slide across his delicate features and then I had watched the cool grey light of morning slowly illuminate the sharp planes of his face. Now the sun was up and he was bathed in bright gold.

Every thing ends, however, and he began to stir as the bright sun made his face glow. His eyes fluttered open and for a moment he looked peaceful, almost content. Then a cloud settled over his face once more and he sat up quickly, glancing at the clock and cursing.

"Lavender? Are you awake, it's past 7." He called from the bathroom. I pretended to murmur something in my sleep, hoping that he would come back to bed with me. It was a horrible selfish wish.

Light came back into the room; buttoning his shirt and glancing at his big, fancy watch. "Lavender, you should get up, you're going to be late for work." I sighed and sat up. It was now or never.

"Light, do you love me?" I blurted the words out and then found myself incapable of saying anything else. Light stared at me with wide eyes for a full minute, like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Yes." He said finally, almost like he was surprised at the answer. I felt a rush of joy surging through me, but I was careful to keep my head clear. This whole scene was still too close to another one I remembered rather vividly.

"Then lets try it out, a real relationship. Ugh, that sounded stupid, of course this is real but I mean…" I trailed off, feeling like a loser. Finally I found the word I wanted, "Misa." Light sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, resigned that this would be a long talk.

"Why do you even like Misa, Lavender, honestly?" Anger flared within me and I stood up and began to violently tug on my clothes.

"She is my friend, Light, do you even know what that means? I like her because she is fun and loyal and actually cares about people. You can't judge all people with the same standards!" I became momentarily lost in my own shirt and wrestled with it for a few moments. When I pulled my head out I saw that Light was standing very close to me. He slid his arms around my waist and spoke softly. Manipulative jerk. Please never stop.

"Lavender, once this Kira thing is over and done with then we will be together. You know that we're getting close now, I'm meeting Near today!" I tried to squirm out of his grasp.

"But you have to tell Misa, Light!" I paused, feeling guilt settle heavily in my stomach, "We have to tell Misa."

"Lavender, what I am suggesting to you is that when we solve the Kira case Misa will no longer be a problem." Lights eyes gleamed suddenly, a gleeful and hungry look. I shivered.

"Light are you trying to tell me that you think Misa is Kira. Didn't we prove that she couldn't be with that 13 day rule?" I put my hands on my hips and raised an eyebrow at him. Light raised his back at me.

"We'll see." He said cryptically and I rolled my eyes. "Lavender, when Misa is gone we will be unstoppable together. I know we can do great things; you are the woman who can do them, not Misa. You have the strength, the intelligence and the passion." Light's face was lit with an eager glow that I wasn't sure I entirely liked.

This was all too much for me. I sat down on the bed, trying to think for once and not just feel. I couldn't believe that Misa was Kira. She wasn't smart enough quite frankly. I knew she used to be a supporter but then now she hated him, mostly because of Light. Another wave of shame hit me; Misa would do anything for Light… Anything for Light!

I stood up sharply and whipped around to face him. Light's eyes were burning with that intensity that I could never resist but I tore my eyes away and made for the door. He caught me by the arm, a little harder than was comfortable. I understood that I wasn't going anywhere now. The only thing I could do was say it.

"Light, you're Kira."

He didn't say a word, just stared me down with those blazing eyes. Blazing with insanity, I now realized. If this boy was such a cracked egg, why did I find it so hot?

"Light, you killed him."

His face was stone. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. It felt like something was tearing me apart. How did I always manage to pick the wrong person?

"Light, you're wrong."

He moved at that, slamming me back against the wall. When the spots cleared from my eyes I could see his beautiful lips curling into a feral snarl.

"Wrong? Lavender, how can you even be so blind, I can't understand. You've had first hand experience with the type of people who represent justice today and I don't care if that was a low blow. The system is broken, so broken that no one can fix it. No one but me. I'm not doing this because I like it or even because I think it is good. I know that murder is evil, I'm not stupid. I will sacrifice everything I have and everything I want for this. Morals and good and evil cannot stand in my way. I have to do what is right. And what is right is a world where people don't have to live in this constant fear!"

I was silent for a moment. He was breathing heavily. When I spoke I had to work hard to keep my voice from shaking.

"Constant fear? It seems to me like we're all just going to have to live in fear of you instead. Light, it isn't always about fixing things. Some things can never be fixed. Further more some things should never be fixed. Some times all you can do is try to make things a little better the way they are. Light, I love you but I can't fix this. I don't care if you kill me now. You're finished. If I die Near will hunt you down and that will be it. There is nothing you can do to hurt me!" I could feel my hands going numb as he squeezed tighter with every sentence.

I expected him to be angry. I even braced myself for him to hit me. A slow horrible smile spread over Light Yagami's face.

"Love, why would I kill you?" He stroked my cheek and whispered into my ear. "It's so much simpler to just kill your son."

Icy cold dread flooded through me. For a moment I couldn't talk. For a moment I couldn't breath. I panicked for a full four seconds until I suddenly realized.

There was no decision to panic about making. Light had me on a leash. I couldn't do anything. The only thing left was to accept my fate. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to pull myself together enough to do this with the only thing I had left, dignity.

"I see. I'll be on my way then. Perhaps I'll see you again someday Light." I patted his shoulder as I walked towards the door keeping my shoulders back, determined not to show him any weakness. When I turned the doorknob I heard him make a sound, an odd sort of cough that I think might have been an attempt at semi-human feelings. He spoke his goodbyes with a shaking voice.

"Lavender, we could have had it all." His voice broke on the last word and I couldn't take it anymore and bolted out of the room.

As I walked across the motel parking lot, blinking in the dusty sunlight, I couldn't help but turn and look back one last time. I could see his figure silhouetted in the window. He raised his hand in farewell to me as I left and for some reason I waved back.

_A/N: That was over fast… how will it end… what will happen? Find out next time! Shocking revelations will be made, plots will be resolved, love will be found and the author will probably continue to pathetically whimper for more reviews! Hope you kids are having fun reading!_


	13. Chapter 13 Finale

What do you do after the semi-psychotic man you were having an affair with behind your friends back reveals that he is a mass murderer and then threatens to murder your son whose father, incidentally, he also killed? What would anyone do?

Answer: go shopping.

I walked around the mall in a trance, completely lost in my own swirling thoughts.

I thought about L and Light. My two mistakes? Can love ever be a mistake? It's strange how two people who are so alike can end up on such opposite sides. It's strange to realize that really we all did love each other in our own strange ways. I wondered what might have happened to them if only- but we cannot live our life I the realm of 'if only'.

I thought about my family and about my son. I felt grateful and warm and safe when I thought of them. I would never be alone.

I thought about Misa. I felt sad and guilty and ashamed. I felt sorry for her. But as I had already said, some things can never be fixed.

I thought about myself. Then I suddenly realized that it would never do any good to think about myself, so I stopped.

I thought about Matsuda. Matsuda who was always kind, always gentle, always there and always made me feel better. Matsuda would probably skip his own wedding just to come have lunch with me…

Then it finally hit me with the force of a semi truck. I could not even think for a moment, I just stared blankly at a display of argyle sweaters. I didn't feel stupid for once, even though I had missed what may have been the most obvious thing in my life.

"Oh Matsuda, how could you be in love with me?"

I threw back my head a laugh like a lunatic, not caring that people where staring. "And how on earth do I love you to?"

Then I walked out of the store and bought two new suits in a larger size and then put them on. When you grow as a person you can't just try to squash yourself back into what you were. I would never be able to forget L or Light and I didn't want to. Some things should not be fixed. This was all part of me now whether I liked it or not. I was different. When I looked at my watch I realized that the meeting with Near would be over by now. Things would be different. And I was ready to meet them.

*

I called Aizowa. I'm not sure why he was my first choice but it just seemed right, calling Light would be too weird and I didn't want to talk to Matsuda until I was face to face with him.

"Lavender?" Aizowa answered his phone in a voice that was rough with fatigue.

"Well, what happened? Tell me, I'm dying over here!" I was almost in a panic to know now, having snapped back into the real world only a few minutes ago. Aizowa was silent for a few moments, then sighed.

"Come over to headquarters Lavender." Dread began to trickle into my stomach so I took a taxi downtown and called Lawliet on my phone to tell him to have fun at the birthday sleepover he was attending tonight. Aizowa met me in the hallway looking old and broken. I didn't want to ask but I had to know.

"Where is everyone? What happened?"

"Light." Aizowa said rubbing his forehead. "I never wanted to believe it." I felt relieved. It was strange. They had caught him. It was over. I threw my arms around Aizowa's neck, delirious with relief that this strange and terrible nightmare was finally over. He stood frozen, his breath coming in shudders.

"He's dead Lavender. There was no other option. Matsuda had to shoot him. Even then he ran, we found him in a warehouse, he had a heart attack." Aizowa's voice broke a little bit. Oh dear.

"Where is Matsuda?" I asked apprehensively.

"He's in there but he's pretty broken up right now. Light was just crazy, Lavender, I'd never seen him get like that. He was just hysterical, screaming about how he was god… but when he mentioned his father Matsuda just snapped. Light tried to kill us and then Matsuda saved us but I would leave him alone right now." Aizowa passed his hand over his eyes. "Mogi's dealing with things, I'm going home to see my family."

I stood in front of the door for a minute but eventually I went in. Matsuda, my dearest Matsuda, was sitting on the couch in the middle of the room, staring at his hands with haunted eyes. I slipped into the room but he didn't seem to notice, he just stared at his shaking hands with his hollow face. I slid down onto the couch next to him, wincing at the creak of leather beneath me. He didn't look at me but he spoke and his voice was barely more than a whisper.

"He was just a kid, Lavender, he was younger than us. He was just a kid and in the end, he was just scared, like anyone else would be with bullets in their chest." Matsuda closed his eyes tight and squeezed his hands into fists. "What am I going to tell his family? How can I tell his mother that I shot her son? How can I tell her how messed up he was? How can I tell Sayu that he's dead and it's my fault?"

I couldn't answer a question like that so I leaned my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arm around him.

"Thank you for saving us Matsuda. You're a hero." I said softly. He shuddered and began to cry.

"No I'm not Lavender. I'm a coward. I can't get anything right. All I want to do is help but I just mess everything up! L was a hero. Even Light was a hero in his own way."

"No." I said a bit more savagely then I had meant to. "L was a jerk even though he did the right thing and Light was a misguided stuck-up user. Life is funny like that. And I know one thing you helped with that you didn't mess up." And with that proclaimed I kissed him full on the mouth.

When I was with L I always wanted things to feel right, to feel good for me.

When I was with Light I wanted things to feel bad for me.

With Matsuda I didn't feel good or bad or wrong or right. I just felt like this was the only thing that could be, or should be. That we were so close we had practically fused into the same person.

In a way I got my fairy tale ending, a kiss where I heard bells ring in my head and felt like I wasn't even touching the ground. Of course there was the freshly dead psychopathic murder thing and my semi-neglected fatherless child, but there you have it.

When breathing started to become an urgent necessity we broke apart. Matsuda looked like he had just been born again (and I don't mean screaming and covered in blood). I grinned at him and he tackled me onto the couch again.

"I like your new suit, it looks good on you. Not like anything couldn't." He murmured with laughter in his eyes.

"Matsuda, I'm sorry that it took me so long. I am rather well known for being phenomenally dumb." I said stoking his fine, silky hair.

"Lavender, please don't slip back into self-hatred territory again."

"Sorry, but Matsuda I've done a bad thing. Remember Light?"

"Hmm, the name rings a bell…"

"Stop it, I'm serious." I couldn't help but laugh though, "I might have been having a teensy little affair with him." Matsuda raised an eyebrow.

"Lavender everyone knows that now get to the point."

"Well I seem to have made the same mistake twice. I just might be um…" I trailed off and gave him a slightly pathetic smile, "Having his kid."

*

Matsuda and I got married in the spring before I started showing. Lawliet made a handsome ring bearer and even Sayu and Mrs. Yagami came. They looked stronger. I had another boy and his eyes were bright and golden. Then a few years later, Matsuda and I had a child. She was my beautiful only daughter and she smiled at everyone she met.

Matsuda wanted people to know the story, to understand what had happened, so he wrote a book. To fill in the blanks we talked to Near who would try to explain motives for us and usually end up exasperated. Our most useful correspondent turned out to be Ryuk. He could tell us what know one else could, for an amount of apple of course. Knowing the whole thing gave me the creeps.

In the end I decided to write this. At first I had made sure that Matsuda left me out of his story but now I have decided that it makes me distinguished to be the mother of both L and Light's child. And so now you know, I hope I haven't bored you but it is time to say that I lived happily ever after.

The End

_A/N: I hope that was satisfying, shocking, silly, sensual and other positive words that begin with S! I've had fun writing about Lavender and her bad habit of having people's kids. I'll probably write something new now… any ideas?_


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